Disquiet Delight

This is the beginning date of this journal and I hope that I keep up with it. I hope that I can help myself and maybe help some other people feel like they aren't that crazy.

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Tuesday night I met with the counselor and we don't have as much to talk about anymore. I guess I kind of don't see the point in rambling on about the same things if I haven't changed how I think about myself or my past experiences. I think I just need to somehow get over it all and I don't get how talking with someone about it is going to help me move forward.

We are still looking into a doctor I could go see, I actually think that is a pretty hopeless cause right now too. This is such a small town and there aren't many options. It wouldn't be so bad if my fears weren't of medical things and of leaving my safe zone of this town. It would most likely take me traveling at least 45 minutes one way just to go to a doctor's office. I'd freak out the entire time :P

I really need to get back into the exercising thing. I lost my motivation along the way.

The office never called me back. My counselor called me yesterday to let me know that he called the office and they informed him that the doctor wasn't taking any new patients. This is bullshit, he just doesn't want to take me on or they wouldn't have even bothered taking my information. I know I am high risk, I have no insurance, but I just don't like crap excuses. I also sort of don't understand how a doctor can just turn someone away who really needs the help. I'm a god damn hermit and I am actually getting help and he's just like "sorry about your luck, kid". Well he did offer help by giving me two recommendations to other doctors, one being over an hour from here, the other is a psychiatrist who isn't fit to see dogs. I don't really know what I am going to do. As far as I know, the next closest family doctor is at least 45 minutes away from here. I don't know. It's just another wall to slam into on the road to recovery.

In good news, I have lost 8 pounds this month and I plan on keeping this all up. My parents are going on vacation next week and my mom did the grocery shopping for me. I gave her a list of all healthy food. I just hope I don't go crazy with the crankiness of not getting to eat crap all of the time. The really hard part will be passing up the good desserts on Thanksgiving for the fruit salad. I enjoy fruit salad though, so it shouldn't be too bad.

I called the doctor's office yesterday. The receptionist took down my info, said she would talk to the doctor and call me back. I am just waiting on that call. If she doesn't call by three I'm probably going to call back and see what's up. I understand that a doctor's office can be busy but finally working up the nerve just to make that call only to be told to wait isn't sitting so well with me.

I just tried calling my therapist to set up an appointment with the doctor. I am so scared. If this appointment gets made, it's all I will obsess over for the next 5 or so days. I'm full of fear.

I'm terrified of the appointment alone, then add to that the medication he'll want to put me on. I'm rather pillphobic. I get so worked up over side effects that whatever the medicine was suppose to do just doesn't work. I'm scared of how it will change me or that it won't change me, that either way it's all just worthless.

I got my therapist's voicemail. Maybe he's too busy to set this up today and I know that he is court all day tomorrow. Maybe I won't have to do this just yet.

So scared.

About two weeks ago my alarm clock fell on the floor and I never bothered to pick it up. It's laying just inside my bedroom door on the floor next to my bed. I'd just rather not look at the time and instead step over it like it's a piece of trash I don't want to get stuck on the bottom of my shoe.

I'm getting a lot of attention lately from a few angles and I lay in the dark when I'm alone placing bets on when each giver is going to disappear and how much effort I want to put into rings of smoke. When I try to grab them, they'll just disolve.

Someone told me today that I surely must have a moment or two in my life that I cherish. I do, but most have been tarnished by other moments later on. He pointed out that I'm confusing a moment with moments. He's so right. I often forget the truly great things I've experienced, especially with another person just because I've become bitter. Anything I experienced with that person becomes sour to the taste because somehow everything ended up bad. What a shame it is to forget the good times and make them seem unvaluable just because something later on came crashing down. So how does one remember the good and not immediately trigger the bad? I guess it's just really dealing, living, and getting over it. I'm tired of being angry, being the victim. So I do what any sane person would do. I continue to be angry, bitter and play the victim.

I've been getting out. I went to the market last night, went shopping and to a bar on Saturday night. Awesometastic!

I talked to Mike Saturday night, I called him on my way home from the bar after sending a few text messages back and forth. I sent him one that said "I'm in a bar and I'm nervous" his reply was "Don't be, you are beautiful and you will be fine". He said he would call me yesterday, but alas he didn't. I'm stressing but I'm trying to act like I'm not :P I'm such a girl! I can't tell if he just doesn't call because he doesn't want to or because he's busy and just doesn't feel like he has the time to have a trivial phone conversation that tends to last at least an hour. I am also not sure if I should call him either, even if I get his voicemail I can just say hi and that I am thinking of him, that's what I want to convey anyways, it's not like I have something important I need to talk about. That's all I'd really want from him as well. It's good to know people want to talk to you. I don't know if he would be annoyed and put off by the calling or think it was sweet and whatnot.

The counselor tells me that if a guy wants to talk to you then he'll make any effort he can to do so. I think I need a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" by the writers from Sex In The City.

Friday I am getting company. Michele and Mels are going to make a day trip to come up here and play playstation. I try to think of places to take them, like someplace outdoors that we could go stare at and say how beautiful it is. There isn't anything close enough that I've feel comfortable going to. I suppose we could take the 10 minute tour of Keyser and I can show them where I went to high school. I could also show them the house that Matt got kicked of when he visted and the picnic tables he was told to go sleep on. That'll take up about five minutes. :P

Saturday is Autumn's birthday and I might make the trip out to go to the bar with them. She was pretty excited about this idea. We will see. Though I did go to the bar saturday, it wasn't the normal crowd, it was a bunch of hippies and hippies are nice and don't whisper about how fat you have gotten. They let you bum cigarettes and talk about music.

I'm struggling. I've been having a rough time this past week or two. I can't help but feel like I'm just wallowing in self-pity. I really am. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I'm crying a lot and out of nowhere. Like your typical depressed girl, I can't even look in the mirror now without literally bursting into tears. I force myself to stay awake during the day but all I would rather do is just lay down and sleep. Yet when it comes time to sleep I delay it, it's the last thing I want to do. It's been taking me about three hours on average to fall asleep lately. I lay there thinking, worrying, wondering. We all do this.

That's the problem, I'm not special, I'm not some depressed person who is unlike any other person. There are people who have things worse than I do. I don't find comfort in this, instead I feel worse, more guilty, more deserving of the way my life is because I am ungrateful.

I'll roll my eyes at someone, be annoyed by them and their choices and I deserve my problems. I look at an ugly person and sort of cringe or wonder how someone could love them and I deserve to be fat and ugly.

I want to be a better person but I can't seem to find that in me. I judge, I mock, I try to make other people feel less of themselves so I can feel better.

I can't just fucking do things either. I am fat. I can't just eat better or exercise. I try but it doesn't last. What the fuck is my problem? Instead I just sit on my computer and whine or lay in bed and cry.

If I were someone looking in I would tell me to just fucking do it, just fucking get over yourself. What a hypocrite I am.

The counselor called yesterday with the number of a doctor that is like literally a minute drive, if that, from my house. He says I can go in there and he won't wrap me up and kill me basically. I still don't know how I feel about this whole going to see a doctor thing and even moreso don't know how I feel about getting medication. Though I could sell the pills to kids. Always looking to make money. Are you kidding? I'd sell them to my friends, not little kids. At any rate, I need to work up the nerve to give this dude a call. I'm not sure how long that will take.

The session lasted about an hour and 40 minutes because with like 10 minutes left in the initial hour I busted out stuff about the abusive guy. It felt good to tell him and I think he understands a bit better of why I am this way. For a while I was told there was always someone better than me just beyond the horizon. I was good enough to keep around for the time being but only until the better thing came along.

I've held onto that theory and other such things that were told to me over and over by the guy for so long... It's basically a fact in my head.

He got some money from his wallet and gave it to me. "How much money is that?" he asked. I look it over and tell him it's a one dollar bill. "Crumble it in your hand" he says. I wad it up into a little ball. "Throw it on the ground.... step on it." I do as he tells me. "Kick it across the floor." ......OK......

He picks it up and carefully flattens it out from it's little ball. He hands it back to me and asks "How much is that worth?"

A dollar.

It's been battered and kicked around but it's not worth any less just because it's got some creases now.

"Keep that dollar."

Last night went really well. I got to Aut's and we sat in the kitchen and talked to her mother for a bit and then headed upstairs. We ended up spending the entire night up there. The plan was to be in bed by midnight, one at the latest. So 2:00 am comes around and we decide it's time to get to bed. Aut had to work today so that was the reason for the bedtime.

Her father had come home around 1 am. He got off work at 11 and went to the bar before coming home. He came up into the room with chips and salsa. He made me give him a hug and he kissed me on the forehead. I know that sounds sweet and all, he missed me, how nice. This is Foy though. He's a total drunkard and an awful father and husband. He's so fake and has just drank himself completely retarded. I wish he could be a better man.

I spent a lot of the evening talking with Jeff while Aut and I messed around with drinking and looking at old photo albums. I can't quite get a feel for him yet, what he's thinking. He's like the same old Jeff but I dunno, I feel like I'm being punk'd. Why else would he just crawl out of the woodwork and be the way he is? I am pretty sure Ashton Kutcher is hiding under my bed.

I'm going to go and try to stay the night at Aut's.


I'm sceeered.

Everyone send good thoughts my way!

Last night was huge huge. I went to counseling, it didn't come to me. I went to his office and stayed there the entire hour. I was a nervous wreck the entire day and days leading up to it. I almost called and canceled. I was walking around just bursting into tears because of fear. But I survived it greatly and even went riding around town a bit afterwards and ended up at Dairy Queen.

During the session he asked me about the signs I was to make if I had them done. I always cry thinking about the nice things people wrote about me and he started to ask why. "Because you can't say them about yourself and mean it?" Yes. I'm starting to get nervous about him talking more like a therapist and not just trying to get me out of the house. I panic a little inside thinking about telling him the past stuff. I know that's what he is there for, but I dunno. It's all a little hard to talk about still.

Last night I went out to my father's office to see what it's changed into. He's moved it all around but he still has his old printing press. It's pretty neat, I took a picture and will see how it turned out later on. After we left there, I called Autumn and she was at home, so I asked if I could come over. Dad dropped me off. Holly was over there too so we just sat on the couch and watched some middle school softball playoffs. Autumn drove me home about an hour later, she had to get to a house where she was house sitting. It was another great night.

Here in a little bit I will be going to Burger King to pick up dinner with my mother. She'll drop me off and go to help my dad at his office for the evening. I might be going over to Autumn's again, I'm not really sure. Might take a night off.

I met with Jerry this morning and he wants to meet again this Wednesday but in his office. Scary. Oh well, just gotta do it. He wants me to get some Xanax so I have it to take if I want to. I fear gettng addicted to something like that and hope to avoid taking it as much as possible. That is if we can get someone to prescribe it for me since doctor offices freak me out.

wooblehwoo!

Tonight I went out with Amy. It would be my frist time going out with her in her brand new car and I haven't actually seen her face to face in years. Oh what nervousness!!

We went to Chick-Fil-A which has been a dream of mine for forever. I absolutely love their chicken. How could I have been missing out on such a thing all of these years???


Here is a lowlight Chick-Fil-A menu in case you don't belive me:
( Read more... )

It's been a while since I posted.

Things with counseling are going well. He says I am progressing well enough and we are only going to meet once every two weeks now as long as I keep moving forward. If I start to slack off we'll tighten up on the counseling to work it through. Good news for me and my wallet. I have been getting out more and going further. I found out the other night that there is a new chick-fil-a about 30 miles from here and I can't wait to get my hands on some nuggets. What a goal!

I ordered a digital camera last night. I really want to take pictures of things I haven't seen in years due to the anxiety. It'll give me something to do while riding around and whatnot. I can't wait until it gets here. It was shipped today but the tracking number isn't working yet. I'm hoping it gets here on Monday, but it could be later on in the week. I'm excited for that :D

I got a card in the mail from one of my friends who is also my sister's girlfriend. It's kind of odd, I don't know what to call her. She's my friend, but now she's more my sister's girlfriend but she's still my friend. I'll just call her Belle. Anyways she sent me this cute card just to say how she is so proud of me for what I am doing and she can't wait until we can hang out and act like assholes again. It was very sweet and unexpected and it made me feel all good'n'stuff. On the front of the card is an old B&W picture of these women riding a roller coaster. The woman in the front car is standing up and they are all laughing really hard. Under the picture is a quote by Katharine Hepburn..

"If you obey all of the rules, you miss all the fun."

So true. Belle said it reminded her of me and she had to get it. ;)

The counselor came by Friday and we talked about nothing really. Nothing worth passing on. He did say that I was pleasant to be around and very personable but that it doesn't mean jack shit if he says it, I need to know it. He then mentioned something about a book he has that he wants me to read and said he would probably drop it off this week sometime. I hate reading.

I took the night off from my drives last night. I didn't get much sleep Thursday night and I was way tired. Right now I'm just delaying going out. I have been doing well though.

I wish when I was in high school and had to do a science project I would have thought to test the theory that if a man has big feet/hands then he has a big penis. I could collect my data and present it in a mature manner. Something tells me that the school board probably wouldn't have appreciated my attempt at science. It would have been a good story to tell though. Oh lovely hindsight.

Talk of my counselor and penis in the same entry are no way related. Though Autumn and I are pretty convinced that I will end up married to him because it makes us laugh to think that. He has talked about taking me to dinner, I'm sure that has little to do with trying to get me out in public situations and absolutely nothing with helping me get over my anxiety. It has everything to do with him wanting to be my husband.

Yesterday morning was pretty crap. I didn't sleep too well, I woke up just about every hour, if not more. I finally decided to get up and get ready. I started to eat breakfast but I wasn't doing too well. I was so nervous I was sick to my stomach. In the middle of my sandwich, the counselor calls. I got excited when I saw his number thinking he was calling to cancel the appointment. He wasn't though. He wanted to stop by and drop off some paperwork for me to fill out before he came here for his session. That way he wouldn't have to sit here while I filled the stuff out. He dropped the papers off and I got to filling them out. It actually helped to have that to do. I was thinking about the forms and not the stuff that was about to happen. It passed the time. So I finished answering questions about how heavy my period flow is and if I had any suicidal relatives. I forced myself to finish my breakfast. I knew if I went into this with an empty stomach it wouldn't have been nice.

He came a little early though he had warned me he might. We came downstairs and started talking. He was very easy to talk to and I was nervous. I shed a few tears. But I didn't panic. This is a very good thing. I didn't have to make him leave, I didn't even feel the urge to have to ask him to. I am very at ease with him. He is very hopeful for me and thinks I can do this. We are going to meet once a week for now and then maybe once every two weeks. $40/hr is the fee. He said if I can't pay for that then we will work something out.

I signed a paper for him to talk to a nurse practitioner that he works with a lot. Oddly enough she is my gynecologist. So I've seen her before, I am comfortable with her. However, she is moving away September 1st so I am not sure I will be at the point of being able to go see her before then. Then we'd have to find someone else for me to go to. We shall see. I told him I would try and work on it. Wouldn't it be nice that since she has seen me before that she could just prescribe me some stuff? :P I am wishing but not hoping. I know the medical industry is so full of liability these day, they can't take chances like that. Wouldn't it be nice though? :P

Well anyways, the counselor ended up staying here for about an hour and a half. Which is great considering that we weren't sure he'd be able to stay for longer than 10 minutes.

It's going to be a pretty stressful next couple of months I think. I'm a-sceered.

I have homework to do. I am to go out riding around as much as possible and he has goals of places in town that I am to work towards going to. He seems to understand very well. Last night Dad took me out and we went further than I had before so I had an overall good day.

He will be calling me on Monday to let me know what day he can meet next week. This will be good. It has to be.

I survived, all went well.

I've told the story so much, I am going to hold off on posting it all until later on. Probably this evening or tomorrow sometime. I'm really tired from being so nervous and stressed out so my body just wants to relax now.

Thanks to everyone for you support and whatnot. It *all* helps.

Details to come :)

Nervous butterfly belly.